Break Through.

I keep watching all these mediums and tarot card and oracle card readers on youtube and tiktok and it's like they keep telling me over and over what I already know. "You are so sad. you have been stuck in this same cycle and you can't get out. it's like running into a wall over and over again." Taking ozempic for a month did something for me though. it made me quit drinking beer. I couldn't physically do it (drink the beer). so I bought a bunch of hard alcohol instead, which is not something I will drink in excess. a couple sips and I'm good. so now I'm sober, mostly, and just fucking SAD. and LONELY. and I know all the things you are supposed to do. "be grateful more!" take more vitamins, get on more antidepressants. (literally, I think this all the time, "how many antidepressants can one person take?") Yeah, I was listening to Esther Hicks for a minute, but she was starting to make me mad. (NEVER LOOK BACK!). Well what about, "own your story," and "telling your story can help other people not feel alone"? bitch. you know who else I have never really liked? Elizabeth Gilbert. It's like, toxic positivity. It's like, "Pretend nothing bad has ever happened to you. Just smile and PRETEND." no, sorry. I've been thinking about this a lot, how FAKE people have grated on my nerves ever since I was a little kid. I remember I hated this girl who was my sister's age, Jenny Lunnen. I hardly remember her anymore, but i remember that I hated her because she was PHONY. And you know what I see a lot in people? that they act differently around me, than around other people. because they are not genuine. Around other phony people, they act phony, around me, they act like themselves. Weird, isn't it? I don't know how to be anything else but myself, even when that means being a psycho. And when I'm sad, i'm sad. I think I'm mostly sad about finding out how truly horrible people can be. you know? I hope for this: I hope that at least MY KIDS, will not be horrible people and will not do horrible things to other people. I hope that my kids, in the end, will not be like their father. A lot of people have told me that it took years, but their kids really looked back and realized what they had been put through by their ex spouse(s). God, I went through hell. It really only ended a year and a half ago, when Kristi got her karma for making mine and my children's lives hell for 11 1/2 years. A year and a half HAS made a huge difference in my relationship with my children. My 22 year old son living with me, has changed him for the better so much. He is such a calmer and kinder person. I guess I still feel terrible for what my kids went through living in that situation for all those years. I was in hell, they were in hell, we all were in hell. And I am TRYING, to just BREAK THROUGH, get past all the years of trauma. I worked so hard on myself for all those years, but some of the beliefs I have are just SET IN ME, TO MY VERY CORE, like that men DO NOT CARE, will hurt me, will treat me badly. (Oh, they'll stalk me if they're gross. P.S. please take no for an answer and FUCK OFF, I think you're gross.) I am sure that I also think that no one can relate to me because of all I have been through, but I really think that is TRUE. I made a TikTok video a while back specifically for my girl stalkers, because I think some of them think I am a snob, because I am CALM. Do you know how FUCKING HARD I have worked on this cool, calm and collected exterior? FOR YEARS. Do you know WHY I HAD TO WORK SO HARD? NO. Well, now you do. So you also, can kindly fuck off, with your high school bullshit, thinking that you're "cool" being all high-strung and dramafied and then thinking that I think I'm too cool for you because I don't WANT to be dramafied and high-strung and toxic. No thanks. I wasn't even like that in high school. I think I was more like that when I became a grownup and was kind of traumatized by the stress of raising 5 kids and realizing I was married to a man child, and then having a midlife meltdown, and then having the REAL TRAUMA begin. But I made it through and THIS is who I am because of what I have been through. Take it or leave it.